Thoughts about feelings

I think yesterday I had kind of a breakthrough. Mum and I were watching ER, something we do quite frequently , and afterwards (for reasons unknown) something just broke inside mig. Usually I tense up and keep my thoughts and feelings locked in. Which caused me to start self-injuring all those years ago.

But this time was different. I let Mum hold me and leaned into her crying and shaking and started talking. Or, rambling more like. And she let me. I don't know how long I lay there but gradually my tears ceased and my breathing got more even. I was totally knackered afterwards, but very proud. A few years back, this was before I switched to dressage, I took private lessons in jumping from a pro. Naturally I wanted to do my best and this had the drawback that I sometimes completely lost my balance. She told me to "Trust the balance". Basically she meant that once I found the balance, just go with it instead of thinking "Oh God, I must get the jump right!" It's the same with feelings.

Once your feelings start to crop up and want to be let out, go with it. Tears are healing, remember that. I know it's easier said than don. But with each time you cry, or scream, or whatever instead of harming yourself things will start feeling easier to handle!