I think yesterday I had kind of a breakthrough. Mum and I were watching ER, something we do quite frequently , and afterwards (for reasons unknown) something just broke inside mig. Usually I tense up and keep my thoughts and feelings locked in. Which caused me to start self-injuring all those years ago.
But this time was different. I let Mum hold me and leaned into her crying and shaking and started talking. Or, rambling more like. And she let me. I don't know how long I lay there but gradually my tears ceased and my breathing got more even. I was totally knackered afterwards, but very proud. A few years back, this was before I switched to dressage, I took private lessons in jumping from a pro. Naturally I wanted to do my best and this had the drawback that I sometimes completely lost my balance. She told me to "Trust the balance". Basically she meant that once I found the balance, just go with it instead of thinking "Oh God, I must get the jump right!" It's the same with feelings.
Once your feelings start to crop up and want to be let out, go with it. Tears are healing, remember that. I know it's easier said than don. But with each time you cry, or scream, or whatever instead of harming yourself things will start feeling easier to handle!
måndag 14 november 2011
tisdag 1 november 2011
I've moved!
My new landlord told me that I could move in when I wanted. I've lived there for a week now and feel at home already. We've decorated the room in much the same way as my room at school so it's quite cozy.
The first few nights were tough though. I kept thinking about whether I really was ready to move. But that passed quite quickly. I had their dog for company, for good and bad. :P
That was the general update. Psychologically, things are going ok. I'm making progress in therapy, have started to talk about some of the things from the past bugging me. A small step for ordinary people, a huge leap for me. I think moving has helped me relax a bit. I'm not in the red zone anymore. As long as I can shove back when the abstinence turns up for a surprise visit (which it still does), I reckon things will stay under control!
My new landlord told me that I could move in when I wanted. I've lived there for a week now and feel at home already. We've decorated the room in much the same way as my room at school so it's quite cozy.
The first few nights were tough though. I kept thinking about whether I really was ready to move. But that passed quite quickly. I had their dog for company, for good and bad. :P
That was the general update. Psychologically, things are going ok. I'm making progress in therapy, have started to talk about some of the things from the past bugging me. A small step for ordinary people, a huge leap for me. I think moving has helped me relax a bit. I'm not in the red zone anymore. As long as I can shove back when the abstinence turns up for a surprise visit (which it still does), I reckon things will stay under control!
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