Sometimes, when everything seems to turn against us, it's easy to think the situation is hopeless and that it's never going to change. There have been times when that thought has stayed in my mind no matter what I do. It's still there, but I try to keep it under control. I mean, if I'm ever going to be able to kick the habit once and for all I can't just sit there and let my old ghosts make life a living hell for me. Easier said than done, you might say. Which is true. That's why I'm still fighting. And I think that I always will have to keep one step ahead.
But there is, as usual, several different ways to keep up and not let the negativity win. One of those things is finding a special hobby that makes you feel better even if it just is for the moment, and stick to it even when you just want to hide somewhere. It's those small moments of freedom that gives us a chance to reload our batteries and stay strong. For me, it's riding. I started riding when I was ten, and I know I am a very good rider. This past month I haven't found the strength to go, but this week Mom drove me. As soon as I was up in the saddle, a sort of calmness washed over me. And when we really started working I could block out enough pain to actually feel alive. Like I was where I truly belonged. So from now on I am going to try to attend my weekly training sessions as often as possible. Find your own private waterhole and you'll see that things seem a bit easier, even if it just is for a short space of time!
söndag 24 oktober 2010
måndag 11 oktober 2010
Close, but no cigar!
This post is dedicated to one of my absolute best friends. She's been there for me 24/7, encouraging me and coaching me through this ordeal. You know who you are!
This morning I had my second panic attack in just a few days. I'm not going to lie, it IS a bit disconcerting that they seem to be coming more frequently than usual. And this one was one of the strongest yet.
My cousins spent the weekend with us, so Mom and I dropped them off at the airport early this morning. I'm not sure if lack of sleep played a hand in it, but on the way home I started crying and couldn't stop. All the pain just boiled over. At home I almost gave up, but that's when I remembered something a very close friend once said. It's alright to feel sad, and it's alright to let the pain out. I started repeating this over and over, like a mantra, and gradually my breathing got more controlled. I still wanted to cut, still needed the pain, but now I knew what to do. For the first time in months, I used the ice trick. It helped almost at once. I could breathe again.
There are always other ways to help you feel better, instead of resorting to SI. Even though it sometimes feels like driving your head against a brick wall, somewhere inside you there is the will to win this fight. And that's what counts. As long as you have that you will find other ways of coping. Never forget that!
This morning I had my second panic attack in just a few days. I'm not going to lie, it IS a bit disconcerting that they seem to be coming more frequently than usual. And this one was one of the strongest yet.
My cousins spent the weekend with us, so Mom and I dropped them off at the airport early this morning. I'm not sure if lack of sleep played a hand in it, but on the way home I started crying and couldn't stop. All the pain just boiled over. At home I almost gave up, but that's when I remembered something a very close friend once said. It's alright to feel sad, and it's alright to let the pain out. I started repeating this over and over, like a mantra, and gradually my breathing got more controlled. I still wanted to cut, still needed the pain, but now I knew what to do. For the first time in months, I used the ice trick. It helped almost at once. I could breathe again.
There are always other ways to help you feel better, instead of resorting to SI. Even though it sometimes feels like driving your head against a brick wall, somewhere inside you there is the will to win this fight. And that's what counts. As long as you have that you will find other ways of coping. Never forget that!
fredag 1 oktober 2010
Dreams
Everybody dreams at some point during the night.. Sometimes we don't remember exactly what the dream was about, and sometimes we don't remember having dreamt at all. But some dreams make such an impression that we can still recount the details later on. For some, dreaming is a haven. A chance to escape reality for a while. For others, it's quite the opposite. Falling asleep becomes the equivalent of not being in control over your thoughts and emotions. I've been there, both relishing sleep and fearing it. I've had insomnia for a few years now. It comes and it goes, sometimes hidden, but it's always there.
So, where am I heading with all this? A few nights back I had a very realistic dream about my SI. Usually, those dreams have me waking up in cold sweat. But this was different. I knew right from the start that I was dreaming. And it was like I decided not to fight against it this time. I just went with the flow. I traveled back in time, in chronological order, to all those specific events that that made me self-injure. But I wasn't "there", it was kind of looking through a window. A bit like Charles Dickens "A Christmas story".
For the first time I could actually see what I was doing, and why, what feelings were involved. In short, I could take a step back and be objective for once.
So, where am I heading with all this? A few nights back I had a very realistic dream about my SI. Usually, those dreams have me waking up in cold sweat. But this was different. I knew right from the start that I was dreaming. And it was like I decided not to fight against it this time. I just went with the flow. I traveled back in time, in chronological order, to all those specific events that that made me self-injure. But I wasn't "there", it was kind of looking through a window. A bit like Charles Dickens "A Christmas story".
For the first time I could actually see what I was doing, and why, what feelings were involved. In short, I could take a step back and be objective for once.
Prenumerera på:
Inlägg (Atom)