Post nr 7

Yesterday I had four or five crying fits. Let's just say my therapist and I don't really see eye to eye on some things. I mean, I know I must accept help and start working with myself if I am ever going to recover fully. But that requires a mutual feeling of trust. A feeling that I can't find at the moment. I need to have both feet on the ground first. So my hope now is that my meds will start working pronto because this is driving me nuts.

So going to therapy yesterday was no hit at all. She got frustrated with me because I never put my guard down and let her in. It's kind of a Catch 22. In order for me to dare start working, the medicines need to kick in, but I need therapy to help them work more effienctly. It doesn't matter what we do, in the end the past always comes around and bites me in the ass, to pardon the expression. Anyway, in the end I got so tired and angry that I ended the session. When Mom arrived a few minutes later I was on the verge of collapse. All I wanted was to be alone, but at the same time I didn't dare to be left alone because I didn't know what might happen if I was. In the end, it was my best friend who saved me.

She is one of the few persons in my life that can make me smile and laugh and act like a child, however sad and panicky I am. But she never pushes. She lets it come naturally. I kept bursting into tears at intervalls, for no apparent reason. What turned my frown upside down completely this time, was blueberry pie. Or at least, the making of it. We got as far as making the batter, then it turned into flour-war! She grabbed a handful of flour and flung it at me. Of course I could'nt let that pass, so I paid her back with a handful of my own. I'm not sure who landed most blows, but we were still at it when Mom came to pick me up. Even though the main idea wasn't to start flinging flour at each other, it sure as hell worked. My panic diminished, and my urge to cut vanished completely. Mom was greeted with the sight of two girls laughing their heads off, covered in flour. Actually I had dough in some places. :P

True friends are there for you, come hell or high water. Playing can work miracles. Trust me, I've been there too many times to doubt it.