Post nr 11

For quite some time now, my abstinence and anxiety have intensified, instead of diminishing. I'm not sure why, and maybe it isn't of any importance. Anyway, thought I would write down my feelings and thoughts here. Sometimes you just need to see something from a different angle for it to make more sense.

It's not the abstinence in itself, I'm used to that. What makes me confused is the fact that I can't find any "real" reasons for this. In some situations there is a small sense of understanding, but everytime I try to hold on to that inner thougt, it just dissolves. That's one of the most important lessons my first therapist gave me. I'm going to try to keep this as simple as possible. We have two kinds of thought. There is the outer thought, the one we are aware of. Then there is the inner thought, a thought we don't even know exists until we actually need it. It took me a while to really understand what she meant, but when that piece of the puzzle was found everything seemed a bit easier. To make it even more boiled down: When someone suffering from SI starts to feel abstinence or anxiety, it's the inner thought telling you something is wrong. But since the inner thought remains hidden, we look for visible reasons.

As for the anxiety, it usually catches me totally off guard. Yes, I recognize the symptoms quickly enough but never in time to regain control. My biggest fear is having an attack in a place where I don't know anyone. At school it's a bit easier. When it happens in class, I only have to tell my teacher and I can go home to my room to wait it out. With friends it's a bit more complicated. I have never been been one for crying in public, although right now I have no control over that matter. Still, I try to keep it inside for as long as possible. Which is rather idiotic, because it only makes the attack stronger.

As with everything else that you have to learn, it's going to take a lot of training and patience. Sometimes it will seem lika an endless and tiring climb but when you get to the top you will be able to keep one step ahead of your inner thoughts instead of the other way around!