For quite some time now, my abstinence and anxiety have intensified, instead of diminishing. I'm not sure why, and maybe it isn't of any importance. Anyway, thought I would write down my feelings and thoughts here. Sometimes you just need to see something from a different angle for it to make more sense.
It's not the abstinence in itself, I'm used to that. What makes me confused is the fact that I can't find any "real" reasons for this. In some situations there is a small sense of understanding, but everytime I try to hold on to that inner thougt, it just dissolves. That's one of the most important lessons my first therapist gave me. I'm going to try to keep this as simple as possible. We have two kinds of thought. There is the outer thought, the one we are aware of. Then there is the inner thought, a thought we don't even know exists until we actually need it. It took me a while to really understand what she meant, but when that piece of the puzzle was found everything seemed a bit easier. To make it even more boiled down: When someone suffering from SI starts to feel abstinence or anxiety, it's the inner thought telling you something is wrong. But since the inner thought remains hidden, we look for visible reasons.
As for the anxiety, it usually catches me totally off guard. Yes, I recognize the symptoms quickly enough but never in time to regain control. My biggest fear is having an attack in a place where I don't know anyone. At school it's a bit easier. When it happens in class, I only have to tell my teacher and I can go home to my room to wait it out. With friends it's a bit more complicated. I have never been been one for crying in public, although right now I have no control over that matter. Still, I try to keep it inside for as long as possible. Which is rather idiotic, because it only makes the attack stronger.
As with everything else that you have to learn, it's going to take a lot of training and patience. Sometimes it will seem lika an endless and tiring climb but when you get to the top you will be able to keep one step ahead of your inner thoughts instead of the other way around!
fredag 24 september 2010
måndag 20 september 2010
Post nr 10
Ultimate FAIL! I was supposed to spend the weekend with my boyfriend in Uppsala. It's about four hours trainride there. Since I wanted to say hello to an old friend of the family, who's in hospital at the moment, I arrived in Stockholm on Thursday evening. But sadly, the visiting hours ended ten minutes after my train pulled into the station, so I missed that opportunity. Anyway, I spent the night in my uncles apartment, so I could take an early train next day. Didn't happen.
For nearly 10 days I haven't been able to eat without feeling sick. Not going to go into any details, but to quote my best friend: I've prayed to the white God of porslin practically every day. No good idea going to Uppsala. So we met in Stockholm, for my ride home. I mean, we haven't met since June. But wasn't just the nausea, it was that damned anxiety jumping on me and shouting "Boo!!" That happened both at my uncles apartment and on the ride home. But on the bright side, no abstinence! And my doctor has forbidden me going up there while I'm in this state, so we just have to find a new weekend!
For nearly 10 days I haven't been able to eat without feeling sick. Not going to go into any details, but to quote my best friend: I've prayed to the white God of porslin practically every day. No good idea going to Uppsala. So we met in Stockholm, for my ride home. I mean, we haven't met since June. But wasn't just the nausea, it was that damned anxiety jumping on me and shouting "Boo!!" That happened both at my uncles apartment and on the ride home. But on the bright side, no abstinence! And my doctor has forbidden me going up there while I'm in this state, so we just have to find a new weekend!
onsdag 15 september 2010
Post nr 9
Today I woke up feeling surprisingly proud of myself. At first I couldn't find a reason for this positive switch and, after racking my brains for a few minutes, I gave up. It was when I was putting on some makeup that the penny finally dropped. Today, I've gone one year and two months without cutting! It feels kind of unreal. I have never made it this far without a single relapse. I've even been able to use sharp objects without seeing them as potential weapons.
It's been a shaky 14 months, but with every day, week and month I keep away from cutting I am one step to my goal. My scars may fade, but they will never vanish completely. But one day I will be able to look back and remind myself that this was one hell of a fight, but I'm in control of my deamons and not the other way around.
It's been a shaky 14 months, but with every day, week and month I keep away from cutting I am one step to my goal. My scars may fade, but they will never vanish completely. But one day I will be able to look back and remind myself that this was one hell of a fight, but I'm in control of my deamons and not the other way around.
fredag 10 september 2010
Never give up on hope
Todays update will be about the importance of holding on to every scrap of hope available.
Yesterday I recieved some great news. Last year, something horrible happened to the woman I regard as my mentor and a very close friend. She has always had faith in me, helping me through several rough patches. Both by listening, encouraging, and sometimes even scolding. Thanks to her my self-confidence has gradually grown stronger. So her situation has affected me quite a bit and now I haven't seen her since last July. My biggest fear has not been never seeing her again, but rather not being able to thank her for everything she has done for me face to face.
She was the one who first encouraged me to seek help for my self-injury. Of course, she knew long before I plucked up enough courage to ask for help. She even helped me look up different therapists. As you can tell, I think very highly of her and I have never given up hoping. Throughout the year we have had contact via internet but everytime we were going to meet, something came up. Then, a few days ago, I recieved an e-mail from her, asking if I would like to come over to her house!
At moments like these it feels like if you just place enough faith and belief in hope, anything can happen. I know that isn't the case, but sometimes all you need is a bit of hope to get back on your feet. Even if there's only a tiny speck of hope, hold on to that. If you have hope, you can do practically anything you set your mind to.
Yesterday I recieved some great news. Last year, something horrible happened to the woman I regard as my mentor and a very close friend. She has always had faith in me, helping me through several rough patches. Both by listening, encouraging, and sometimes even scolding. Thanks to her my self-confidence has gradually grown stronger. So her situation has affected me quite a bit and now I haven't seen her since last July. My biggest fear has not been never seeing her again, but rather not being able to thank her for everything she has done for me face to face.
She was the one who first encouraged me to seek help for my self-injury. Of course, she knew long before I plucked up enough courage to ask for help. She even helped me look up different therapists. As you can tell, I think very highly of her and I have never given up hoping. Throughout the year we have had contact via internet but everytime we were going to meet, something came up. Then, a few days ago, I recieved an e-mail from her, asking if I would like to come over to her house!
At moments like these it feels like if you just place enough faith and belief in hope, anything can happen. I know that isn't the case, but sometimes all you need is a bit of hope to get back on your feet. Even if there's only a tiny speck of hope, hold on to that. If you have hope, you can do practically anything you set your mind to.
tisdag 7 september 2010
Post nr 7
Yesterday I had four or five crying fits. Let's just say my therapist and I don't really see eye to eye on some things. I mean, I know I must accept help and start working with myself if I am ever going to recover fully. But that requires a mutual feeling of trust. A feeling that I can't find at the moment. I need to have both feet on the ground first. So my hope now is that my meds will start working pronto because this is driving me nuts.
So going to therapy yesterday was no hit at all. She got frustrated with me because I never put my guard down and let her in. It's kind of a Catch 22. In order for me to dare start working, the medicines need to kick in, but I need therapy to help them work more effienctly. It doesn't matter what we do, in the end the past always comes around and bites me in the ass, to pardon the expression. Anyway, in the end I got so tired and angry that I ended the session. When Mom arrived a few minutes later I was on the verge of collapse. All I wanted was to be alone, but at the same time I didn't dare to be left alone because I didn't know what might happen if I was. In the end, it was my best friend who saved me.
She is one of the few persons in my life that can make me smile and laugh and act like a child, however sad and panicky I am. But she never pushes. She lets it come naturally. I kept bursting into tears at intervalls, for no apparent reason. What turned my frown upside down completely this time, was blueberry pie. Or at least, the making of it. We got as far as making the batter, then it turned into flour-war! She grabbed a handful of flour and flung it at me. Of course I could'nt let that pass, so I paid her back with a handful of my own. I'm not sure who landed most blows, but we were still at it when Mom came to pick me up. Even though the main idea wasn't to start flinging flour at each other, it sure as hell worked. My panic diminished, and my urge to cut vanished completely. Mom was greeted with the sight of two girls laughing their heads off, covered in flour. Actually I had dough in some places. :P
True friends are there for you, come hell or high water. Playing can work miracles. Trust me, I've been there too many times to doubt it.
So going to therapy yesterday was no hit at all. She got frustrated with me because I never put my guard down and let her in. It's kind of a Catch 22. In order for me to dare start working, the medicines need to kick in, but I need therapy to help them work more effienctly. It doesn't matter what we do, in the end the past always comes around and bites me in the ass, to pardon the expression. Anyway, in the end I got so tired and angry that I ended the session. When Mom arrived a few minutes later I was on the verge of collapse. All I wanted was to be alone, but at the same time I didn't dare to be left alone because I didn't know what might happen if I was. In the end, it was my best friend who saved me.
She is one of the few persons in my life that can make me smile and laugh and act like a child, however sad and panicky I am. But she never pushes. She lets it come naturally. I kept bursting into tears at intervalls, for no apparent reason. What turned my frown upside down completely this time, was blueberry pie. Or at least, the making of it. We got as far as making the batter, then it turned into flour-war! She grabbed a handful of flour and flung it at me. Of course I could'nt let that pass, so I paid her back with a handful of my own. I'm not sure who landed most blows, but we were still at it when Mom came to pick me up. Even though the main idea wasn't to start flinging flour at each other, it sure as hell worked. My panic diminished, and my urge to cut vanished completely. Mom was greeted with the sight of two girls laughing their heads off, covered in flour. Actually I had dough in some places. :P
True friends are there for you, come hell or high water. Playing can work miracles. Trust me, I've been there too many times to doubt it.
lördag 4 september 2010
Post nr 6
Something keeps nagging at the back of my head, and I can't figure out what. Wait, that's a huge fib. I know exactly what it is. It's my abstinence making a surprise visit. It keeps doing that, and it's annoying the heck out of me. Not scaring me mind you, just annoying.
This morning while I was eating breakfast, it happened again. Just like that. I was sitting with a mug of hot chocolate, feeling quite ok, when suddenly the urge to cut washed over me without warning. As always, it started with my scars beginning to itch. I know it's phycosomatic but that doesn't stop it. After that all the other symptoms like shallow breathing, an undefined feeling of fear, and quickening pulse appeared.
Don't worry folks, I'm not giving up. It's going to take more than a spell of abstinence to make me fall again. But it would be a thousand times easier if I just could determine exactly which situations that trigger it. If you just set your mind to it, you can do anything!
This morning while I was eating breakfast, it happened again. Just like that. I was sitting with a mug of hot chocolate, feeling quite ok, when suddenly the urge to cut washed over me without warning. As always, it started with my scars beginning to itch. I know it's phycosomatic but that doesn't stop it. After that all the other symptoms like shallow breathing, an undefined feeling of fear, and quickening pulse appeared.
Don't worry folks, I'm not giving up. It's going to take more than a spell of abstinence to make me fall again. But it would be a thousand times easier if I just could determine exactly which situations that trigger it. If you just set your mind to it, you can do anything!
onsdag 1 september 2010
Methods of distraction
Hi everyone!
As I told you in my latest post, I have tried to stop self-harming since I was 13. It's never easy to overcome any addiction. But there are countless ways to regain a bit of control, when the urge to cut or in some other way hurt yourself jumps on you from behind. But no method works for everyone. Every individual has his or her ways of coping. So today I'm going to list a few of the methods that have helped me on my journey.
1:Clutching an icecube in your fist until it melts. Everytime I cut, a bit of all the hurt inside me got physical. I could feel the pain, so the feeling of unreality abated for a while. So everytime I tried to stop, this was one of the first things I did. This way, I got the pain and adrenaline I needed without giving myself new scars.
2: Writing down your feelings and then setting the paper on fire. Once, when I was staying the night at my grandmother's house, I woke terrified from a nightmare. Gran told me to draw the part of the nightmare that had woken me up. After that, she picked me up and we went outside. She took the paper and burnt it up, so that the nightmare would vanish. So when my abstinence gets too strong I do the same, except that I write, instead of drawing. It's the same principal.
3: Setting your timer ten minutes at a time. There is a saying that goes: "Slowly, slowly, catches the monkey!" That kind of sums up this method. When you feel you need to hurt yourself, set the timer on your phone or a foodtimer at ten minutes and try to breathe evenly. When the ten minutes are done, set it for ten more minutes. Before you know it, you can see clearly again.
4: Calling a friend. Ok, time for a real classic. Calling someone close to you can be one of the best ways to avoid SI. Whether you tell them about your urge or not, you will still have a space of time where you mind doesn't keep clawing at you.
One of the most important things to remember, is that even though you don't feel strong or confident, you ARE! You're working on breaking free of an extremly difficult addiction. And that takes a great deal of strength, just to try. You won't manage resisting everytime, you will fall. But this is a long journey and with each new attempt, you get closer to your goal!
As I told you in my latest post, I have tried to stop self-harming since I was 13. It's never easy to overcome any addiction. But there are countless ways to regain a bit of control, when the urge to cut or in some other way hurt yourself jumps on you from behind. But no method works for everyone. Every individual has his or her ways of coping. So today I'm going to list a few of the methods that have helped me on my journey.
1:Clutching an icecube in your fist until it melts. Everytime I cut, a bit of all the hurt inside me got physical. I could feel the pain, so the feeling of unreality abated for a while. So everytime I tried to stop, this was one of the first things I did. This way, I got the pain and adrenaline I needed without giving myself new scars.
2: Writing down your feelings and then setting the paper on fire. Once, when I was staying the night at my grandmother's house, I woke terrified from a nightmare. Gran told me to draw the part of the nightmare that had woken me up. After that, she picked me up and we went outside. She took the paper and burnt it up, so that the nightmare would vanish. So when my abstinence gets too strong I do the same, except that I write, instead of drawing. It's the same principal.
3: Setting your timer ten minutes at a time. There is a saying that goes: "Slowly, slowly, catches the monkey!" That kind of sums up this method. When you feel you need to hurt yourself, set the timer on your phone or a foodtimer at ten minutes and try to breathe evenly. When the ten minutes are done, set it for ten more minutes. Before you know it, you can see clearly again.
4: Calling a friend. Ok, time for a real classic. Calling someone close to you can be one of the best ways to avoid SI. Whether you tell them about your urge or not, you will still have a space of time where you mind doesn't keep clawing at you.
One of the most important things to remember, is that even though you don't feel strong or confident, you ARE! You're working on breaking free of an extremly difficult addiction. And that takes a great deal of strength, just to try. You won't manage resisting everytime, you will fall. But this is a long journey and with each new attempt, you get closer to your goal!
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