Temptation

Ok, so here I go again. I was going to tell you my background, but yesterday was quite intense and trying for me, so this will only be a general update.

Today was the first official lesson of the year. Our class concists of people who for some reason can't study or work full time. That's the only criteria. You don't have to be good att drawing or sculpting, or ever done it before, as long as you are not 100% OK either physically or mentally. This is a great help for me, since I never have to feel silly for not always showing up. Today was one of those bad days. Not a great start of the new school year. Anyway, all the information meetings today kind of excausted me and I was a bit stressed out after lunch. I thought I would manage the afternoon lesson as well, but it took only five minutes with the rest before I couldn't take it anymore.

I asked the teacher to help me fix my worktable so that I could have som private space there. She put up some carton as a shield. That's when my real struggle of the day appeared. She handed me a carpetknife to cut out a piece of the carton. It felt like I got kicked in the guts by a wild kangaroo. I managed it, but it still gave me quite a turn, not being able to control my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to cut, so badly, my hands began to shake and I started taking shallow breaths. Luckily I recognized the signs and after a few minutes I was able to breathe normally again, and complete my task.

My first therapist taught me a way how to push away some of the negative feelings that occur when someone suffering from SI, gets the urge to cut. At first I thought it was just plain gobbledy gook, but once I learned how to use that trick, things became a bit easier. What I did, was visualize someone who means a lot to me, and keep that persons face in front of my eyes. Then I kept that picture inside my head, "feeling" that persons reaction if I would cut. For example : I conjured the face of my best friend, remembering our close friendship, and knowing she would be worried and maybe sad, since I have worked so hard to stop. If you believe in it, you will have a kind of defense against your addiction.