Hi guys! It seems that my imagination has run out when it comes to post-titles, so these ordinary posts won't have any special titles. The posts with a theme on the other hand will probably be more specific. Sorry for dithering so much, still new to the world of blogging. :P
Ok, so today I have actually made som real progress with myself. One of my nephews turned eleven a few days ago, and today was his birthday party. Just the closest family. Anyway, had a bit of bother deciding what I was going to wear, It was going to be quite warm, so the most logical choice was a shortsleeved shirt. Mum suggested the shirt and a cardigan that I could put on if it got too cold, then realized I wasn't thinking of the weather.
My nephews saw my arms when they visited us this summer, and my sister and sister-in-law know about it, but my oldest brother haven't seen it. My sister only saw a glimpse this winter for that matter. So naturally I was nervous about going to the party. I mean, my nephews said that it looked like I had been whipped. In the end I chose a three-quartersleeved shirt. During the ride there, my niece kept staring at my scars. I understand her.
I'm not sure if it was the fact that the majority of the persons there know I am a cutter, or if it was something else, but I actually could RELAX! I'm not going to deny that I was constantly aware of the scars showing, and sometimes pulled down my sleeves a bit when the newest scars were visible. But I could relax, have fun, not jump everytime someone got to close. My niece kept staring but pretended not to everytime I asked if she was alright. But somehow, I didn't mind it. I can't go around with long sleeves next summer as well, and it's better to show gradually.
The more you work to ignore the fact that your scars a visible, after a while you will feel it getting easier to relax. And the more relaxed and "normal" you behave, the less people will lay focus on your scars. Yes, they will see and wonder, but when you have gotten that far in recovery you will be able to tackle difficult questions. Just take it one small step at a time. Let it take time. Remember that as more time goes by, things will become easier and one day you will stand there as a winner!
söndag 22 augusti 2010
fredag 20 augusti 2010
Temptation
Ok, so here I go again. I was going to tell you my background, but yesterday was quite intense and trying for me, so this will only be a general update.
Today was the first official lesson of the year. Our class concists of people who for some reason can't study or work full time. That's the only criteria. You don't have to be good att drawing or sculpting, or ever done it before, as long as you are not 100% OK either physically or mentally. This is a great help for me, since I never have to feel silly for not always showing up. Today was one of those bad days. Not a great start of the new school year. Anyway, all the information meetings today kind of excausted me and I was a bit stressed out after lunch. I thought I would manage the afternoon lesson as well, but it took only five minutes with the rest before I couldn't take it anymore.
I asked the teacher to help me fix my worktable so that I could have som private space there. She put up some carton as a shield. That's when my real struggle of the day appeared. She handed me a carpetknife to cut out a piece of the carton. It felt like I got kicked in the guts by a wild kangaroo. I managed it, but it still gave me quite a turn, not being able to control my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to cut, so badly, my hands began to shake and I started taking shallow breaths. Luckily I recognized the signs and after a few minutes I was able to breathe normally again, and complete my task.
My first therapist taught me a way how to push away some of the negative feelings that occur when someone suffering from SI, gets the urge to cut. At first I thought it was just plain gobbledy gook, but once I learned how to use that trick, things became a bit easier. What I did, was visualize someone who means a lot to me, and keep that persons face in front of my eyes. Then I kept that picture inside my head, "feeling" that persons reaction if I would cut. For example : I conjured the face of my best friend, remembering our close friendship, and knowing she would be worried and maybe sad, since I have worked so hard to stop. If you believe in it, you will have a kind of defense against your addiction.
Today was the first official lesson of the year. Our class concists of people who for some reason can't study or work full time. That's the only criteria. You don't have to be good att drawing or sculpting, or ever done it before, as long as you are not 100% OK either physically or mentally. This is a great help for me, since I never have to feel silly for not always showing up. Today was one of those bad days. Not a great start of the new school year. Anyway, all the information meetings today kind of excausted me and I was a bit stressed out after lunch. I thought I would manage the afternoon lesson as well, but it took only five minutes with the rest before I couldn't take it anymore.
I asked the teacher to help me fix my worktable so that I could have som private space there. She put up some carton as a shield. That's when my real struggle of the day appeared. She handed me a carpetknife to cut out a piece of the carton. It felt like I got kicked in the guts by a wild kangaroo. I managed it, but it still gave me quite a turn, not being able to control my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to cut, so badly, my hands began to shake and I started taking shallow breaths. Luckily I recognized the signs and after a few minutes I was able to breathe normally again, and complete my task.
My first therapist taught me a way how to push away some of the negative feelings that occur when someone suffering from SI, gets the urge to cut. At first I thought it was just plain gobbledy gook, but once I learned how to use that trick, things became a bit easier. What I did, was visualize someone who means a lot to me, and keep that persons face in front of my eyes. Then I kept that picture inside my head, "feeling" that persons reaction if I would cut. For example : I conjured the face of my best friend, remembering our close friendship, and knowing she would be worried and maybe sad, since I have worked so hard to stop. If you believe in it, you will have a kind of defense against your addiction.
lördag 14 augusti 2010
Introduction
Hello everyone!
Hopefully, this will be my first post of many at this site. Since I want to be able to reach out to as many as possible, all my posts will be in English. I thought I would begin with a small introduction of who I, the owner of this blog, am and part of what inspired me to create this blog.
My name is Erica, I'm 23 years old and live in Gothenburg, Sweden. Right now I am studying art at a boarding-school by the sea. I was born in London and lived there until I was six. When I was ten, I was deeply depressed for a number of reasons (which I will write about another time), and by the time I was eleven I was self-harming daily. Mostly by cutting. I have tried to stop more times than I can remember, always relapsing after a few months. The pain has simply been too much. Now I have gone 13 months without cutting, something I am very proud of. The urge is still very strong, so one of my best friends suggested starting a blog about life with self-injury. This is not meant to be a triggering blog. That means I will not upload any pictures of my scars, so don't ask me. I mean this blog to be a way for me to cope with my struggle, and at the same time help and inspire others addicted to, or in some other way affected by, self-injury.
I will try to write about once a week, sharing my babysteps to recovery and posting encouragement and different ways to avoid self-injury. Please leave a comment! I will try to answer your comments and/or questions as quick as I can. If you have any questions that you feel are too personal to be posted here, I will happily answer them by e-mail. Finally, I hope that you will send me some encouragement in return. This is a battle that no-one can win alone!
Keep fighting!
Hopefully, this will be my first post of many at this site. Since I want to be able to reach out to as many as possible, all my posts will be in English. I thought I would begin with a small introduction of who I, the owner of this blog, am and part of what inspired me to create this blog.
My name is Erica, I'm 23 years old and live in Gothenburg, Sweden. Right now I am studying art at a boarding-school by the sea. I was born in London and lived there until I was six. When I was ten, I was deeply depressed for a number of reasons (which I will write about another time), and by the time I was eleven I was self-harming daily. Mostly by cutting. I have tried to stop more times than I can remember, always relapsing after a few months. The pain has simply been too much. Now I have gone 13 months without cutting, something I am very proud of. The urge is still very strong, so one of my best friends suggested starting a blog about life with self-injury. This is not meant to be a triggering blog. That means I will not upload any pictures of my scars, so don't ask me. I mean this blog to be a way for me to cope with my struggle, and at the same time help and inspire others addicted to, or in some other way affected by, self-injury.
I will try to write about once a week, sharing my babysteps to recovery and posting encouragement and different ways to avoid self-injury. Please leave a comment! I will try to answer your comments and/or questions as quick as I can. If you have any questions that you feel are too personal to be posted here, I will happily answer them by e-mail. Finally, I hope that you will send me some encouragement in return. This is a battle that no-one can win alone!
Keep fighting!
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